i am the result of a storm.

Today i received an amazing package.
it's contents included some old photographs, a book of poetry based on the teachings of Rumi, a set of small stuffed figures, and a DVD entitled "A Painter's Requiem".
The package, sent by Eden, a dear friend of my older brother, was the greatest gift i've ever gotten. The stuffed animals were once his, given to him on his 16th birthday by her, as was the book. The DVD is a classical music show dedicated in memory of him that she put on shortly after the incident, each song specially written by her to dedicate him.

Eden writes it best:

Rumi says, " That which the Lord said to the rose that caused it to laugh in full blown beauty, he also said to my heart and made it 1,000 times more beautiful because of you."


Flora Santa ~ A True Tale.

The evening was nothing in particular, nothing unfamiliar. It was the start of autumn, and the breeze that whistled through the dying foliage hinted at the chill that was soon to follow, fortelling in it's newfound sense of urgency. It was still summer, though, and the soft rain that misted against the window pane eased my racing mind. I was leaving soon - going into the world on my own for the first time, flying away to forge a new path and seek my fortune. I was feeling brave, though afraid; proud yet humble. I was ready for whatever curve the universe could throw at me. I was poised for action; young and strong.

I sat curled by the fireside with Hobbes purring in my lap, excited for the future when I thought I heard a knock at the door. No...It could not have been. But then it came again, louder, and with a greater sense of immediacy. I set the cat aside at shich he folded his ears, flicked his tongue, and seemed to mutter in annoyance and stepped to the door and turned the lock...

I stood there speechless. My lips parted slightly in surprise as I could not believe the presence that stood before me. I had turned away from this one in frustration more than a year prior to that moment, and had not heard a peep from him until then. I had told him; " If ever you can calm down and cease this senseless barrage of adding insult to injury, if you can ever suspend your sadomasochistic funk for even an hour or a day, come to me and I'll support you. I'll give you all my love." Then I had thrown up my hands in a gesture of defeat and walked away, never expecting to hear from him again... Yet there he stood in my doorway. His curls, wet with summer rain, fell about his face. His lips were drawn and sad. His saffire eyes glowed brilliantly with unparralled magic. I could see he was melancholy.

I smiled. I invited him in. He sat by the hearth and cuddled the cat as I fixed his hot cocoa. I sat there with my arm around him as he drank it, and smiled sweetly, seeming to ease into me.

We were silent for most of the night, contemplative. I could hardly believe how things come full circle. Who was I to find, in the course of time, stumbling to me in awkward beauty once more, but this one; the one most precious, the one most high.

We were feeling each other. We knew what we wanted. We wanted to get lost. We wanted to leave this deadend town in our dust. I was going. He wasn't, and we had a mind to forget about that.

Almost without words we jumped into my craptacular jeep ( the one with the rusted out floor boards, and the neon sign which says " DO NOT USE PARKING BRAKE" ) and ended up in this county out on the lake, in Sister Bay. The streets were wet with rain and it was warm and windy. The clouds had disappeared and the sky was clarity, full of stars, and the night was deep and emotional. All was still waters and I took care of him. we went for a carriage ride through the streets of town and he settled into me once more, comfortable, quiet, sipping chamomile tea.

"You know I won't always be around, Eden..."

"I know."

"But we'll always be together. We'll meet on all levels." And he reached in the pocket of his black zip front hoodie and removed 4 stones and placed them into my palm.

" The green and brown one is for earth. The light blue one is for the celestial realm, and the purple one is for transcendance. The pink one is the biggest cause it represents my heart; it is love," he said. "I'll always see you again."

And I held him there, and for the first time he truly allowed himself to truly be loved. He just soaked it in. That night we walked through the streets of Sister Bay, arm in arm, inquisitive for the world surrounding. That night we had peace.

***********************************************

The EULOGY is 4 years too late.

I was ruined in the afternoon, waiting on the 405. I woke up in pieces, then he disappeared again. These days I dream of the deep dark grave 7 feet below Green Bay. So, to the first person I ever loved, here is your eulogy, exactly 4 years late:

These experiences have molded me. I do not know what sort of lesser mortal I might be had I not been made to endure your passing. Through these things I have the self assuredness to know I can conquer anything because I already handle the most personal loss one could ever know quite well. Let me tell you, there is nothing in this world that cuts like standing at your funeral next to 3 girls who hate me, feeling like I've been shot and didn't fall down. I completely forgive your method of exit from this world; I could never know what it was like to be you.

You say in Love and Life there are no rules, and everything is chaos. My darling, you're so cruel. One thing I have learned about life is that it goes on. The sun will rise tomorrow whether you want it to or not, and one must meet that challenge with every blink like a freeze frame of a precious moment because the friends and luxuries one affords today may be displaced sooner than once thought.

I miss you and I love you and the time we spent molded me, in part, into a very strange creature.

As your book has closed, and your faggot ass goes waltzing off into history, sleep unwakable knowing and trusting me to lead a rich and colorful life, beset with enough wack debauchery for the both of us.

REST IN PIECES.

Rest in peace.