i believe the world already ended

even though it's been almost 7 years sometimes i miss you so much it feels like someone is pushing their finger into the base of my throat and i cry like it just happened yesterday. but now when i cry like that it kind of feels like it cleans me out, and each time it happens it feels like i'm going to have a little longer until it happens again, and i usually do. it's not like i'm missing you less, it's more like i'm finding a place to keep you. sometimes everything gets quiet again. you died in this tiny silent part of the day and by everyone trying to protect me from their sadness everyone just helped make that silence continue. the hardest part is always the day itself-the anniversary. the world will stop, we will cry and relive the pictures and family video of what to us felt like the beginning of the end of the world. you won't be any part of what anybody else is thinking about. you'll just be the silence itself. every other person will be thinking of people that they've lost, and only mom, dad, dakota and i will be thinking of you. and i will have to feel all of the guilt again. not just the guilt that goes along with remembering that day and you, which is always there, but the guilt that tightens around my chest because i don't care about all of the others, because i even resent them for dying on the day that should have been yours..and yours alone.